It's been twice I didn't keep up to my promise of blogging schedule. Well this time, no more promises. I let go of regular blogging, and will write here and there as it feels right.

Lots of things happened. Which I don't know it is for better or for worse. Retrospectively, it should be better off. The problem is I've been losing my inner peace sometimes. The anchor has losened and at times I'm drowned in pessimism, worries, fear, anger, scepticism, and those negativity that draw me to hell.

There are good times - plenty of them - and I can feel the happiness immersing to every cells of my body, when I feel all is perfect, beautiful, and enlightened. But comes also the time when I'm spiralling in my own doubts, helplessness, feeling that I haven't done enough dharma for those around me, let alone the universe. That I still cannot have enough tolerance, for the different faces and interiors of people, which in turn make me upset. That I still focus on myself too much. That I've let the devil of laziness drag me down.

Each time, I promise to rekindle the light within - and many times, I give in to the excuses and fatigue. But now, I will try harder. I will push myself. I will expose myself to the light and keep it inside me for good. And I will let others to see the light in me, as I seek to see the light in others.

Starting Out

As of today I’m starting my blogging routine again. I will post regularly every Sunday night – some kind of reflection of the week, bits and pieces I’ve done and learnt, goals and promises I’ve made, ideas and perspectives – just anything that helps define me as I am. The creature I’m comfortable to live with.

This morning I did some meditation in the bathtub. I find it difficult to find a private spot in the house, especially when I wake up late and my maid has come. I become self-conscious though I’ve locked myself in a room. Worry keeps creeping in that somebody would call me out. So I find my bathroom very accommodating. O is not likely to come to the bathroom on those hours so I had it for myself. Sitting in empty bathtub inhaling sweet fragrance of pandan leaves and be in tune with my soul. So refreshing.

Other thing, I started my own clipping for household ideas. Today, I recapped Composting and Non-Toxic Home Cleaners, which I got from internet.

Well, time to do figure drawing lesson now. Ciao!

LIttle Random

I'm making some rendang.
The coconut milk wasn't enough, and I substituted it with milk.
Will it work?
Just now the gravy just splilled over from my rendang-in-process.
Big flame doesn't do it.


My little nephew missed my trampoline.
It's been two days since I saw him.
How's he doing?


Shall I made pudding as planned today?
What pudding?

After a long hiatus (stranded with no internet connection), here I am :) Glad to be back..
Im having two consecutive day-offs...Wanna catch up with household stuffs!

1. making buffet cabinet - where?
2. have my hair cut
3. making meatballs!
4. cleaning up kitchen cabinet - done
5. pruning the plants - done
6. painting the chairs in yellow :-) where to find the matte paint for woods?
7. finding my lost books
8. making my own station

hmmmh...excited!

One Saturday Night

I think I will be busy tommorrow so I post earlier this week.

Still widely awake, due coffee latte I've just had. I usually avoided having coffee after 4 pm, since it triggers my insomnia, but what the heck - tonight it's buy 1 get 1 free offer at starbucks - and Dian already ordered one - too shame if not taking advantage of the deal. So we had 1 hot latte, 1 cold latte, and 1 lasagna. Btw, I forgot to take off my company name tag at the Starbucks and for a few seconds it made my face reddened.

As we went out the shop we were greeted by a young family in the car queuing to the exit booth. After a few seconds of comprehension attempt, I got it - Puri and Febi and their baby! What a nice suprise! And what a cute baby!

Ate too much lamb today... and too much sweet (especially cakes)!

Found green cushions in kem chick - just what I was looking for!

The real living magazine is awesome!

Hangout with old pals last friday - happy!

The furnitures I ordered have arrived!

Sick Leave

It's been a while since I got sick. Just after eating onion rings and frozen yoghurt, I went into sore throat and high fever. My mom got so worried that she accompanied me sleeping in my room that night. Luckily I felt much better the next day. Spending time resting, reading books, remind me the time years ago when I was in junior high school, sick at home, reading and drawing Tom and Katie (is it the correct name?).

Alex Eben Meyer

The inspiration to pursue my old interest - watercolor drawing. That's why I bought a new sketchbook. Hope it will bear fruits :-)

Here are some of my fave. Yellow, bird, green ...... my subject of interest.

(from http://eben.com)

And now, time for my sunday night ritual: checking 3191 miles!

SAKURA

We went to SAKURA for dinner.

Actually our stomachs were half full with german sausage in the afternoon, but we ended up eating tons! The most special dish was maguro sashimi. It was the freshest I can imagine, and we got some extra slices! Yumm!

Friday Lunch with Mom

After doing some errands in ANZ Tower, my mom and I decided to have lunch together. It was one hot Friday late morning, not quite lunch time yet. We were on the way to Citywalk when I remembered our long postponed plan to try Cassis, a French restaurant, sister to Harum Manis, in Sahid Apartment. It was just accross the street from ANZ Tower, so in no time arrived we there. The ambience was nice, classic yet clean look with immaculate white linen and tableware. We tried the lunch set menu - salad, fish, and cheese cake (I couldn't remember the exact name of each meal) - to share. It's no way we could finish it by ourselves if we have ordered two sets! The service was excellent, not at all lessened though we only ordered one set for two people. For every meal, we were given our own plates. The food itself was wonderful, tasty compared to any French restos I have tried so far. I could feel they were cooked with meticulous attention and care. In short, it was a satisfying experience. And on the way home, I dozed off with a big smile on my face.

Mid Year Resolution

Pic: designspongeonline

It's not my usual time to write in the middle of the week, but welcoming the second half of 2009, I'd be happy to write my resolutions:

- I will try to stop talking and judging other people (words, actions, etc, etc) unless it's a positive thing or it affects me directly

- I won't let myself feeling threatened by others' disagreements or criticisms

- I will respect and believe the values I hold eventhough they're ridiculed by others - just be authentic!

- I will believe in my own worths and not intimidated by others' goodness, lucks, charms, ... or trivialities, ego, pride, shallowness covered by fabuolous yet fake casing..

- I will keep smiling and doing what I think is good eventhough others think it's fake, pathetic, downgrading, or unnecessary or whatever

- I won't feel like a fish out of the water in any circumstances

PS: Happy 4th anniversary dear, we have it all together!

Jewel

"I don't need no one to tell me about heaven. I look at you and I believe."

-YP-

Furniture Hunting

Some of my furnitures have arrived...hurray! I do them very economically

- Custom order to Sarah Furniture in Klender (I've become its regular), telling them the design I want, showing the pictures from magazines, internets, books, or just from my imagination.
- Got special deal in Furniture Fair - which makes me so happy. I've had this imagination of my dream dressing table in my mind - had no idea where to find it or who can make it. Then one day I visited furniture fair in Balai Kartini, and voila - the very piece of the furniture was standing before me! In Giovanni booth. How ecstatic I am, especially that they offered buy 1 get 1 promo. I became crazy looking at their collections - many of them were so lovely, the right match of classic and modern/clean look, just like what I was looking for.
- Overhauled some old unused stuffes, got them repainted - like the coffee table, TV table, and the guest bed.
- Bargain hunting to dept stores, furniture shops, art shops - for pieces big and small.

Oh how I love doing it!

Been very lazy. The two-day course drained my energy finally - time to make up for the lack of sleep. Though overall I'm happy that things went well, got some interesting insights during the course, no significant complaints. And I'm happy that Ryan nowadays has known me better and likes to pull my clothes asking me to carry him hehehe. It's an abrubt and forceful pull, but that makes it funny and enjoyable. Hey - here he comes! Will go downstairs and welcome him!

Kaori

I met Kaori when I went to English School in UWA 10 years ago. We were in the same class, she sat next to me on the first day of school. One thing led to another, she became my best friend. She's an English teacher back in Japan who was taking a one year leave to go abroad. I can say that we pretty much thinking and doing in the same hat, and we had those instant connection that glued us together. Though in some ways we have differences - she's the kind of girl who can easily make friends, very organized, disciplined, mature, takes charge of herself and her surroundings very well - while I was not all that. So she's become a role model for me.

I was in the same class with her only one term (out of my two terms and her three terms) but the friendship didn't end there. We kept meeting regularly, visiting interesting places that I couldn't find anyone else to go with (because they're trully tourism attractions) such as a visit to a monks' village and whale watching, or just strolling the downtown, Fremantle, or any suburban - had some meal or coffee over some good conversation. Once, her sister came to Perth, she introduced me to her - in a minute encounter - but this is the surprising thing - her sister later told her, when I was introduced, the sister knew directly why she (Kaori) and I were best friends. It always gives warm feeling in my every cell each time I remember it.

One day, she suggested us visiting a cafe in Applecross that she read in newspaper. The suburb was quite far from our meeting point (the school) and we solely depended on a free map to find the place. We took the bus to the nearest bus stop, called the cafe asking for directions, and they said it's only about a few minutes away. Yet it took us hours to find it, because apparently the 'few minutes' was the time to reach it by car. They didn't reckon that we were on foot lol. We arrived there all red and sweaty from the hot weather, and after the owner found the misunderstanding, she gave us free cold drinks as a compliment : -)

On my birthday, she gave me a surprise treat. She called me a few days earlier, making appointment to meet up on that day, and when we finally met, she congratulated me on my birthday (that I didn't even know she knew it), having present for me, and treated me to a nice early dinner at Nedlands Hotel nearby. It was a lovely late summer evening, I tried salad with pear and blue cheese (which turned out smelling too strong), and she made a surprise announcement that Nori liked her and asked for my opinion. Even if I had sensed the sparks, I never thought it would be realized due to the age difference between them, but she seemed didn't mind. So I encouraged her to go with it and they've been happily together eversince. The funny thing is, a few years later the similar situation happened to me. In this part of life I followed her paths after a few years, fitting our age. See how well connected we are :-)

Our farewell was celebrated by taking an afternoon jazz cruise along Swan River - which was very very nice - then we parted. But the memories are well kept in my heart, and now and then I keep missing her, hoping one day we would meet again. Really want to visit them in Japan, hope it will be realized soon!

Emptying

I've been feeling dull lately. Have nothing to talk about, but always keep trying to have something to say - as a result I end up talking about those trivial things - gossips, old stories being told again and again, works, complaints, ... I realize it must be very boring to listen to. The problem is I've stopped working on my hobbies and personal interests because I'm so drowned with works and problems. It's been ages since I watch movies, listen to any music, draw, write, cook, or anything. I wonder where have those spirit and curiousity gone. I remember a few years ago talking to O, "I don't get it why people getting boring as they're growing old - we people shouldn't stop pursuing our interest and not let the daily chores take away our colourful life. I'm sure I wouldn't be one of those people when I'm older." Yet, I feel I'm becoming one of them. I've joined the squad. But hey, not too late to withdraw. I'm emptying the old stale stuffs in my rucksack to make room for the new. I promise not to be the one who brings the dark clouds into the room but instead I will be the sun, as sunny as it can be!

Btw, it was O's mom's birthday this week. I remember a few years ago - back when we just met - he called me late in the evening, asking if I could accompany him to find a birthday cake for her. I agreed, I thought he's somewhere around my area, it turned out that he came all the way from his house to pick me up, and back to the cakery in his area. How sweet! He could have done it by himself if he didn't bother to include me. I think we ended up having one piece of cake for ourselves there. :-)

Gloomy..

Words can be very dangerous. Especially in speaking, since it can be amplified with expressions, tones, strength, etc. I have been the target of emotional explosions in my life, yet I still cannot accept it gracefully. Always getting hurt. Crying. Demanding apologize. Do not easy to forget and let go. Eventhough every self help book or article says the best way to handle this is by staying neutral and not reciprocrate - I'm stubborn enough - or too weak to be exact - to do just so. I'm still carried away, wondering why the accusations and judgments are put towards me, while I always think I have reasons for that. I used to think - and it's still not easy to let it go - everybody should listen to any explanations without feeling defended. But in reality, every word I say is considered defensive. This is how the vicious circle typically develops:

- accusations/complaints/questions
* answer (and doesn't satisfiy them) or my self-proclaimed statements (if no a/c/q)
- another a/c/q or negative respond to my statement (the notes start to rise)
* another answer (start feeling anxious)
- another higher notes and intensity (start getting uncontrollable)
* start to cry
- getting more upset because of the cry
* cry louder
- both getting hysterical

In my perfect world, it would go like this: any answers, whether it's right or wrong, should be accepted (we have assumption that no one try to cheat the other, because it happens in our own circle and no one have bad intention toward the other). Then, anger can be avoided at any circumstances. And of course crying. Isn't it easy?

And even if it starts to get to higher notes and one starts to cry - why not introspect and directly apologize? Why is it then seen as another worse fault that we conduct? Then the subject changes solely to the fact that I cry. Or that I answer long-windedly. And never willing to touch their mistakes - anger - and accusations etc. Then, it finish when I apologize. But I think I deserve one too (Well, I cry as a result of other's temper - not to mention that I might be right in the first issue).

I rarely get that. And also I'm not happy, because my needs are not catered. I don't have the recognition of the main issue - that I've done something right. Not because I need any awards for being correct - but for assurance that I do the right thing. I'm not that confident to believe everything I do is correct - I still need the recognitions from those I highly regard. Sadly, cannot get that.
And I'm left with the questions:

why I always be accused guilty because of crying or the way we talk.
why I have to be the one who apologize.
why the main subject - the reason when we argue is not discussed anymore.
why can't they spoil me.

Call me egoic or cannot accept others' weaknesses - but I'm not an angel, I have broken wings - I have weaknesses too, I have needs to be recognized, to be treated well - especially when I am right. And when I'm not, to be nurtured sometimes - just as others demand it. Why can they console me when I cry - instead of getting more upset. If they ask any understanding with their temper, why not understanding my tendency to cry? And I wonder, by being the one who step back first, will the other party understand their fault - or become big headed that never realize their mistakes and keep doing it again and again.

It's a classic problem - and Im still miserable towards it. People demands understanding, but they dont want to give some. They think they have sacrifice a lot by doing what I want (read: understanding me) and that I don't recognise it, while I think it's not sacrifice at all. I never ask them to get involved in my interests or tastes or have particular expertise or whatever - I just want them to be their own and to be respectful to different interests/tastes. And to do their responsibilites. Which everybody should do. In much more lenient way. If they think it's too much, it's because they're to0 self-centred before so doing the right thing seems like sacrificing to them.

Well, here I am blabbering around, stacking one issue over another. Anyway, O has told me something true. I can't change others, so just change myself. Don't demand justice in here. It's real world. And in real world, the right thing doesn't always happen. It's up to me how I view it.
Not a piece of cake, but I'll try. After all, I have lots of imperfections I need to fix. Better to focus on that.

Pasar Festival

Last week I read 3191 miles. Mav wrote about making scrapbook from anything taken from magazines. Suddenly I had to buy old mags - to do the same. So yesterday, I ask O to drop me at Pasar Festival - which he kindly agreed - while he's supervising the event at Patra Jasa. It meant I have plenty of time to browse. Felt like buying lotsss of outdated magazines - from design interior to women's mags. Mostly I wanted some inspiration for my home's furniture. And some inspirations to revamp me up. It's nice to go there, once forgotten place. The community is different - with people being very casual yet in the same stream - in particular area. We ended the day at Dunkin, having raisin muffin, hot chocolate, and cappuccinno, reading our just bought magazines.

the water drops
each and each, slow but steady
and erode the stone

Weekend Dinner

Just had one big bowl of vegetable steamboat.

carrots
chinese green leaves vegetables
shitake mushrooms
tomatoes
chunks of local chicken

Hope it will bring back my vitality. Been feeling sluggish today.

3191 Miles Apart

I'm so inspired by the project '3191 Miles Apart'. Love to browse their site. Would love to have their books. Would love to taste their way of life. It represents beauty in simple things - in everyday's account.

9 April - The Holiday, The Election Day, The White Thursday, The Reunion Day,

Here are some highlights from today, April 9, 2009

1. ELECTION
Woke up around 7 this morning, I heard mom calling Sarah 'are you coming or not?' I bet she's going to TPS - she likes to do things as earlier as possible - and I was right. I immediately woke up hoping to meet them soon but it took them almost one hour to vote. Not from queuing, but apparently the committee had not been ready yet. On the dining table, I saw arem-arem and whole boiled eggs, the same thing the election local committee had for breakfast. Ate them, thinking that it reminded me of scoutgirls' time in childhood. Then I went to TPS with Vemmy and Rudy. It only took minutes!

2. WARDROBE PROJECT
Inspired by InStyle magazine, I took close up pictures of what's in my wardrobe. Then I can mix and match them. Do that for one hour until I started to get bored. To be continued.

3. PLAYING TIME
After the wardrobe project, went to Dian's house. Eating hot and spicy cassava crackers. Then Lina served the pudding she made. Taking lots of pictures of horta and toys. The Ryan came, we played and I took more pictures.

4. MEETING UP WITH COLLEGE BUDDIES
To Senayan City. I came early. Browsed some shops quickly, managed to find things I've been searching for. Black ballet shoes. Yellow shawl. Got special bargain at Miss Sefridge and Accent. Went to Starbucks to get free coffee (for those who voted). To Gelato Bar. I'd never been there before. Liked the place. Cozy. There were six of us. And we didn't change since like - 15 years ago! Lotss of fun and laughs!

5. BACK AT HOME
Ryan was waiting for me when I opened the door. He's soooo cute! Playing with him for a while, then he returned home. Took a bath. Downloaded the pictures, uploaded to FB. Wanted to sleep early, but suddenly the hunger attacked. Ate orange peel bread and almonds. (I had to brush my teeth again). Tried to sleep again. Couldn't. Went online and wrote this entry. Just remembered that I had coffee this afternoon. Perhaps that's why I'm not sleepy.

April Comes

Welcoming April and I'm still catching up with my resolutions. Feeling alive!

Rainbow

Yesterday I accidentally changed my desktop background with a picture from internet. It's purely due to mis-clicking. I browsed briefly to find a replacement, and without much fuss I chose the one with rainbow picture. Today, I went to Bogor, far outside the familiar places, to IPB Dermaga Campus. On the way back, among the hustle and bustle of angkots, motorcycles, cars, people, houses, trees, cables, ..we saw a very beautiful rainbow. Very close. Very big. I got so excited. It feels like it was following us for a while.

Back home, I just realized this coincidence - that just after I put rainbow in my desktop, I saw the real one. Nice feeling creeps in my soul. I know this might sound trivial, but I just love it. And I know it might not interrelated, but it made me thinking about my habbit. I tend to make a decision quickly, not much fuss. When it turns out to be a wrong choice, I usually shrug it off. I tend to let it go. But most of the time I feel that I have made a right decision. Even if others think it's not. I'm easy. I feel guided. I feel safe with my approach. This doesn't work for everybody, and with more people telling me to change, to be more prudent, I'm working to balance that. Not successful yet. Because I put more efforts in being more prudent - looking more alternatives, comparing things more, doing the scale thing, it dissapoints me much more when in the end I still make a wrong choice. It lowers my confidence. While when I just pick one quickly, it's like I already put into account the risk of being incorrect. And when it works, it makes me proud for being able to do a right action with no fuss. And for what I call intuition. Beginner luck.

Well, above all, balance is the best. So im still working on it.

march resolution

1. wake up at 5 - have 1 hour to read, write, draw, paint, or just be
2. excercise 20' everyday - yoga/trampoline/treadmill
3. gain 2-3 extra kilos - eat 3 big meals and 2 snacks each day

4. take care of my wellbeing - more
5. be 1.5x more efficient
6. be more patient and gentle and tolerant
7. find a new shampoo - this one makes my hair look thin
8. find a new shade of foundation - that doesn't make my face look too fair
9. straight posture - when walking, sitting, everything that applies

10. drink more tea 11. no worries
12. sing
13. be on time to any plans and schedules
14. think big
15. loosen up
16. posture exercise
17. focus
18. systematic

The Importance of Being Insane

Early this morning I woke up with explosive mind. It began with internal iching I felt far below the skin. I so didn't like this feeling because I felt helpless. Nothing I couldn't do about it, but it felt so uncomfortable! I tried to sit and read a book, but didn't work. I was tired and grumpy. Tried to lie down again. Restless. Sat again in my bed. Just sat. Then I felt the sadness spreading through my body. Then the anger steaming through. Anger I addressed to those who even didn't really know me - let alone knew that I put the blame on them. I tried to calm myself down to no success. So I just let it out. Hit the bed, hard and fast. Screaming through the pillow - which created those weak squeeky sound - but unbelievably relieving. Then, the storm subsided, and I felt asleep - soundly - till the alarm woke me up. And hatred no more. Blaming no more. I'm so thankful. Today is beautiful, and we did one good deed to the handyman doing our project - giving away something that he wants - we knew it because he asked to pay for it - and we're just giving him. How nice to see his happiness.

Trip to Old Markets

Today we went to Pasar Baru. Found some unbelievably good bargain, which somehow left us thinking, is it really true or it's just us who can't differentiate the good and bad ones. We thought the cheap one is much more nicer than the one with twentyfold the price! It's funny that we become a victim of the belief - the more expensive it is, the better. Anyway, it's nice to go there - everything is different - the people, the ambience, the messiness ... it's like going back to 20 years ago when Pasar Baru was the main shopping destination for Jakarta people. It doesn't look different. I remember my aunties usually went there every Saturday after work and would came home with loads of shopping. I sometimes came along - as a shy girl I almost never dared to ask for anything, but they usually understood and got me what I want. I loved to go to this bookstore - Tropens? - to buy Lima Sekawan series and some cute stationaries (I once bought a pencil case with beachfront scenery, and a bikini hanging on the fence - but when I bought it to school my friends were ashamed to look at it).... Eating crepes with whipped creams.....Fried bananas and pineapple with chicken in Red Rooster.... You can't imagine how sad I was when Red Rooster and the crepes shop were closed - until now I think it's unreasonable since the places were always packed with people. On weekdays, it became a luxury to eat at Red Rooster because the traffic jam was always awful. So eating there meant sacrifice from my dad to bear the traffic. And we sometimes had to listen to his grumbling for the price of it.

Another place I loved to go is Tropic (is it the rignt name?) - to have avocado juice with vannila ice cream. It's the only survivor that still lasts up to now. I went there not long ago, but the juice didn't taste as wonderful as it was 20 years ago... Observing the people coming in, I conclued that it still had some loyal customers - which is a good thing. Some place are worth to survive - for the sake of memories they bear...

Posture

Been slouching too much these days. Need realigning. The excersice I found in O Mag is great to follow - simple, concise, but I think it's effective (need some time to prove though - we'll see)