Words can be very dangerous. Especially in speaking, since it can be amplified with expressions, tones, strength, etc. I have been the target of emotional explosions in my life, yet I still cannot accept it gracefully. Always getting hurt. Crying. Demanding apologize. Do not easy to forget and let go. Eventhough every self help book or article says the best way to handle this is by staying neutral and not reciprocrate - I'm stubborn enough - or too weak to be exact - to do just so. I'm still carried away, wondering why the accusations and judgments are put towards me, while I always think I have reasons for that. I used to think - and it's still not easy to let it go - everybody should listen to any explanations without feeling defended. But in reality, every word I say is considered defensive. This is how the vicious circle typically develops:
- accusations/complaints/questions
* answer (and doesn't satisfiy them) or my self-proclaimed statements (if no a/c/q)
- another a/c/q or negative respond to my statement (the notes start to rise)
* another answer (start feeling anxious)
- another higher notes and intensity (start getting uncontrollable)
* start to cry
- getting more upset because of the cry
* cry louder
- both getting hysterical
In my perfect world, it would go like this: any answers, whether it's right or wrong, should be accepted (we have assumption that no one try to cheat the other, because it happens in our own circle and no one have bad intention toward the other). Then, anger can be avoided at any circumstances. And of course crying. Isn't it easy?
And even if it starts to get to higher notes and one starts to cry - why not introspect and directly apologize? Why is it then seen as another worse fault that we conduct? Then the subject changes solely to the fact that I cry. Or that I answer long-windedly. And never willing to touch their mistakes - anger - and accusations etc. Then, it finish when I apologize. But I think I deserve one too (Well, I cry as a result of other's temper - not to mention that I might be right in the first issue).
I rarely get that. And also I'm not happy, because my needs are not catered. I don't have the recognition of the main issue - that I've done something right. Not because I need any awards for being correct - but for assurance that I do the right thing. I'm not that confident to believe everything I do is correct - I still need the recognitions from those I highly regard. Sadly, cannot get that.
And I'm left with the questions:
why I always be accused guilty because of crying or the way we talk.
why I have to be the one who apologize.
why the main subject - the reason when we argue is not discussed anymore.
why can't they spoil me.
Call me egoic or cannot accept others' weaknesses - but I'm not an angel, I have broken wings - I have weaknesses too, I have needs to be recognized, to be treated well - especially when I am right. And when I'm not, to be nurtured sometimes - just as others demand it. Why can they console me when I cry - instead of getting more upset. If they ask any understanding with their temper, why not understanding my tendency to cry? And I wonder, by being the one who step back first, will the other party understand their fault - or become big headed that never realize their mistakes and keep doing it again and again.
It's a classic problem - and Im still miserable towards it. People demands understanding, but they dont want to give some. They think they have sacrifice a lot by doing what I want (read: understanding me) and that I don't recognise it, while I think it's not sacrifice at all. I never ask them to get involved in my interests or tastes or have particular expertise or whatever - I just want them to be their own and to be respectful to different interests/tastes. And to do their responsibilites. Which everybody should do. In much more lenient way. If they think it's too much, it's because they're to0 self-centred before so doing the right thing seems like sacrificing to them.
Well, here I am blabbering around, stacking one issue over another. Anyway, O has told me something true. I can't change others, so just change myself. Don't demand justice in here. It's real world. And in real world, the right thing doesn't always happen. It's up to me how I view it.
Not a piece of cake, but I'll try. After all, I have lots of imperfections I need to fix. Better to focus on that.
